One week ago I seriously wanted to quit homeschool.
Last Monday I had no desire to be his teacher, I just wanted to be his mom.
I didn’t want to fight about math facts or go round and round about reading.
I didn’t want to feel guilty when I folded laundry because we should have been learning.
I called a local private school and scheduled a tour.
That’s how serious I was.
I was ready to throw in the towel.
I didn’t care how he received an education, but I was determined I couldn’t do it.
On Wednesday we went and toured the school and I was quickly reminded why we homeschool in the first place.
My kiddo with ADHD couldn’t keep his hands off anything. He was bouncing around the room like a pinball in an arcade game. The principal smiled politely, but I could tell he had a little more energy than she was expecting.
Can he sit at a desk and work in his workbook independently? she asked.
Hmm…not always.
The little spark of hope I had about sending him to school twice a week quickly dimmed.
Although each child’s curriculum is individualized, we don’t have experience teaching children with learning differences, the principal said.
Welp, that won’t work!
Sometimes I feel like Kristina from the t.v. show Parenthood.
Did you watch that show?
Sometimes I think, maybe I just need to start a school for children like Jackson – the way Kristina did for her son, Max.
I need to start a school for the kids who don’t need a special education classroom, but would fall through the cracks in a regular classroom. I need to figure out how to start a school where class sizes are small and kids can learn in their own unique way. A classroom for kids who prefer to write their letters in all caps and who can’t sit at a desk all day. A place where kids aren’t crammed into a one-size-fits-all box. A place where kids aren’t automatically labeled a bad kid because of behaviors associated with their disorders.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished a school like that existed, but I have yet to find one.
And that is exactly why we homeschool.
And it is so hard.
Because I wish I could send him to school for a few days each week for the sake of my own sanity.
But as we left the private school last week, I didn’t feel as defeated as I thought I would.
I was reminded of why we do what we do in the first place. I was reminded that my child learns differently and John and I are about the only people who can provide the education he needs.
We can be flexible. We can work at our own pace. We allow him to write his letters in all caps (even though he can write lowercase letters). We can wiggle and giggle and learn in our own unique way.
Yes, it’s hard.
Yes, it’s exhausting,
Yes, I sometimes want to give up.
But in those moments when I feel so weak and so inadequate, God reminds me that He has called me to this place.
I don’t always like it, but it’s where I’m meant to be.
The day after we toured the school, I opened my Bible to find these words: Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. (Romans 8:26)
I sat at the kitchen table and bawled.
On Monday I was desperate for help. I started looking for a possible school. I thought about hiring a housekeeper. I just knew I could not do it all.
I needed help, but I was looking in all the wrong places.
He was waiting for me to ask.
He was waiting to give me strength and endurance.
He was waiting to help.
The Moment math got hard I should have cried out to him.
The Moment I grew weary working on reading, I should have cried out to him.
The Moment my strong-willed child and I went head to head, I should have cried out to him.
Reading the words in Romans renewed my spirit and gave me hope.
And please hear me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for human help ( I actually found some last week and I am super excited about). It took me a very long time to admit my weaknesses and my need for help. I am not superwoman and God doesn’t expect me to be.
Having a child with special needs is hard enough – add in homeschool, 3-5 therapy appointments each week, laundry, dinner, dishes and all the other daily things you need to do to keep life running smoothly and you can feel defeated fast.
Yes, I recruited some help, but I also invited His spirit into my mess.
And I think it’s going to be a winning combination.