A few nights ago I sat at the dinner table, head in my hands, and sobbed.
The reality that our low-key holiday break was coming to an end and it was time to buckle down with homeschool once again, had me feeling completely overwhelmed. The dawning of a new year – 365 (give or take) days of homeschool – felt paralyzing.
Suffocating thoughts swarmed through my head.
Jackson’s education is on my shoulders.
Teaching him to read is my responsibility.
Yes, God has called us to homeschool Jackson in this season, but just because we’ve been obedient, doesn’t make it any less difficult.
I wrestle with God over this calling more than I like to admit.
Teaching a child with a severe speech disorder and other developmental delays is way outside my comfort zone.
It pushes my patience to the max.
I’m my own worst critic.
I worry I don’t have what it takes.
I compare myself to other homeschool mom’s when I know that is a trap set by Satan.
My biggest fear – the one I said out loud to John at the table as I picked at a baked potato…
What if I fail him?
What if we get a year (or five) down the road and I haven’t done enough?
What if I can’t teach him how to read?
What if he hates school and learning because I pushed too hard?
What if he isn’t making progress because I didn’t push hard enough?
Are we spending enough time on school each day?
Sometimes the weight of my expectations are crushing.
I felt crushed that night at the dinner table.
But the next morning, God led me to Psalm 94:19…
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
When I’m feeling crushed, there is One who comforts.
I taped this verse on my bathroom mirror. I wrote it in my journal. I added it to a list of scriptures I’m praying over myself and our homeschool journey this year.
In her book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa Terkeurst writes, I expect a perfection in me and a perfection in others that not even God Himself expects.
Reading those words took my breath away.
God does not expect me to do this homeschooling gig perfectly.
I want to trade perfection for His promises.
I want to trade the weight of my expectations for an expectant heart.
I want to surrender Jackson’s education to Him.
I want to hold on to hope as we homeschool.
I want to ditch doubt.
I want to believe that He will meet our every need.
I don’t want to feel dread as we get back in the groove of things this week. I want to be expectant of all that God is going to do in our homeschool journey in 2019 – in me and in Jackson.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.
Don’t panic, I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I am your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. (Isaiah 41:9-10)