Today is the first day of a new journey – or maybe I’ll refer to it as a quest – since we’re desperately searching for the best way to educate our son.
Today I become Jackson’s teacher.
Today we embark on a full-time homeschooling quest.
A thousand moments, many tears and pleading prayers led to this decision.
Beth Moore says, You can’t have a quest without questions. Quests have hardships and lifelong obedience. A quest has risks.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
The Call to Homeschool
Last week I sat in bed, at the end of a very challenging day, and made a list – the pros and cons of homeschooling. The pros were substantially longer.
I NEVER wanted to homeschool. I said I’d NEVER homeschool!
I guarantee God is getting a good chuckle at the story currently unfolding.
In recent months, God began softening my heart towards the idea; homeschooling was on my mind a lot.
I told my counselor all about this shift – this change of heart – two weeks ago.
She told me she thinks I’m brave because I allow God to mold my heart; because I say yes when He says go.
I don’t feel brave when I consider homeschooling my son.
It scares the crap out of me.
What if I fail him? What if I don’t teach him all he needs to know?
I ignored God for a long time when the idea of homeschooling came to mind, but it began to happen so often I couldn’t ignore it.
One particular question continued to nag at me: how long will we force a square peg into a round hole?
The truth is I’m not sure Jackson will ever fit the public school mold.
Sensory Overload + Anxiety = Disaster
Last week I spent several days at kindergarten and the little boy I saw in the classroom – struggling and anxious and aggressive – is not Jackson. That little boy only makes an appearance at school and it broke my heart.
The little boy I know overflows with joy and laugher and silliness. He has a crazy sense of humor. He’s smart and affectionate. He lives and loves big and bold.
When he has the right environment – calm and peaceful – he thrives!
Last week as I put him to bed he said, I try again and do better at school tomorrow.
He slays me!
He wants to do better, but he simply can’t.
The public school environment isn’t conducive to a child with Dyspraxia, Apraxia, ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder.
He is too high functioning for the special education class. The behaviors happening in that classroom were a recipe for sensory overload, which sent him over the edge. Move him to the regular kindergarten class and he gets lost in a sea of 25 students and his anxiety sky rockets.
Public School was really a no-win situation.
He left defeated each day and so did I!
Taking the Leap of Faith
Wednesday I picked up the form from school – the form that says I intend to homeschool my son.
I downloaded visual schedules, subscribed to starfall.com and started making a daily schedule.
I am scared to death, but I have complete peace that this is what I’m supposed to do during this season.
During my quiet time with God last week, He led me to a verse that encouraged me to keep going. It also reminded me that He sees me. He sees Jackson. He knows every detail of our situation.
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people (Jackson) and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. (Hebrews 6:10-12)
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I know I’ve made the right decision.
There is relief, grief, excitement and fear all wrapped up in this decision.
I feel a little like Moses – not quite sure where God is calling us, but certain He will show me one step at a time.
I will look in Jackson’s eyes day after day after day and promise him the same thing: I will NEVER give up on you!
We will endure.
I will be brave.
We will thrive!
So Abram (Jennifer) went, as the Lord had told him (her)… (Genesis 11:31)
One Last Bus Ride
Friday morning I woke up still feeling complete peace about our decision to homeschool, but I also felt grief.
Grief is a big part of special needs parenting and it’s not a one time thing.
I downloaded the same program Jackson used at school and we did calendar time that morning. He immediately moved the cake icon to March 22 and said, It’s Mrs. Abney’s Birthday!
Then he moved the stars to Friday, which is Bart Conner Day – a special gymnastics class he attends each week.
My heart ripped in two.
How do you explain to a kiddo that he’s not going back to his Kindergarten, when he doesn’t fully understand why we’ve made this decision.
I found a private place and let the tears flow freely.
After some morning school work, we headed to Jackson’s school one last time.
We loaded the school bus and went to gymnastics.
He held my hand the entire time.
