The other night I was soaking in the tub after a very long and challenging day. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind regarding Jackson’s education and which therapies were working and which ones weren’t. We have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months. It’s overwhelming and I’m weary.
Earlier that day I found myself sitting on the floor of our entry hall, blocking the front door, as my frustrated and ticked off son pinched and hit me. Was it a meltdown? Was it a tantrum? Some days it’s really hard to tell.
There’s a lot of questions I don’t have the answers to on this journey, but there’s one thing I know for sure.
It must be hell knowing what you want to say and not being able to get the words out.
He can’t look at me and say you’re a stupid head mom!
He can’t tell me how ticked off he is when he doesn’t get his way.
Every behavior is a form of communication.
He was telling me how mad he was with every pinch and every slap.
I sat on the floor feeling utterly helpless.
There’s no book that tells you how to parent and discipline a child with Apraxia and Sensory Processing Disorder.
There are days when I feel like I get it right; but there are many days when I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.
I’ve had a lot of the latter lately.
Ann Voskamp writes, the greatest act of courage is to simply keep facing one direction when everything in you wants to turn and run.
Some days I want to run.
Many days I feel like I’m not enough.
Wouldn’t it be easy if a spanking and timeout worked; but we haven’t had much luck with either.
Nancy Peske, co-author of Raising a Sensory Smart Child, says “When a child’s behavior is due to sensory processing disorder, punishment and reward do not work as motivators.”
Children with Sensory Processing Disorder need to be taught self-regulation techniques and proper social behaviors.
Sensory issues definitely affect Jackson’s behavior; but so does his inability to adequately express his wants and needs.
Apraxia affects his behavior just as much as Sensory Processing Disorder.
We’re at a crossroads.
There are so many decisions that need to be made.
There are so many unanswered questions.
Ann Voskamp says we want clarity — and God wants us to come closer.
So that’s what I do; sink deeper into the arms of Jesus.
She goes on to say, Even when you’re afraid of not being enough — God’s making everything into more than enough grace. You only have to keep believing — and keep stepping out unbrave.
So I keep trusting.
I keep believing.
Even when I find myself on the cold, hard floor.
Oh sweet Mama, you are not alone. I too have been there. Apraxia alone can be hard, add in the SPD and some days you feel like you’re broken in a thousand ways. You just want to help them, to have your love be enough. You ARE enough because you are his mama, you ARE enough because you love him, you ARE enough because you care so much you are willing to admit and write about this. I’ve been told they act out the most where they feel the safest – at home, in the arms of their mama. I know it’s hard, I know how the questions can rack your brain, eat at your heart, and feel like they darken the soul at times, but you ARE a GREAT Mama! Keep the faith, keep believing in him – that “strong willed” child is just showing you he has a fight in him to overcome these obstacles. He just doesn’t know how to yet. Show him patience, show him kindness, show him love. It is by your actions and compassion, and the Grace of God, he will overcome.
Thank you so much for your sweet words, understanding and encouragement! What a wonderful way to start the day! Thank you for reminding me that I am ENOUGH. Have a great Friday!
My heart is heavy for you, and I’m praying for you. What a beautiful, HEAVY thing motherhood is. Although I’m not dealing with some of the challenges you are experiencing, I am raising a very strong-willed little girl and feel some of those same emotions of discouragement, failure, wanting to give up, not knowing where to turn…so we turn to the Lord and He is faithful every single time. Praying that you’ll feel His strength today.
Thank you Jenn! I sure appreciate those prayers. I also pray you have a fabulous birthday today! The 30s are GREAT! 🙂
I tended to isolate myself for many years dealing with my son’s SPD. May this encourage you, that with God’s grace eleven years later, we are all still standing. This journey is far from over but being able to look back and see all that has been overcome, gives a fresh perspective on the hard days. May God grant you peace, grace and wisdom as you continue this journey
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement. Yes, it’s so easy to want to isolate yourself. It can definitely be a lonely journey, but I’m so thankful to have a few people who truly understand and love us even in the mess. I’m so glad to hear that you can look back and see how far you and your son have come! God is so good!