I’m about to be 33 years old but certain memories haunt me as if they happened yesterday.
When a friendship fades.
When I look on Facebook and see groups of women laughing and doing life together.
When I feel the sting of jealousy.
When fear threatens the relationships I do have.
That’s when I find myself back in my bedroom – 10 years old – peeking through the blinds at all the little girls squealing and playing next door. Without me.
I vividly remember the moment she abandoned me. Fifteen years of friendship down the drain.
I hear her voice in my head – You’re f***ed up.
In her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace, Bonnie Gray says, I have wallpapered over many things, believing faith enabled me to move past them. But there comes a time when it takes more faith to fall apart with Jesus than to stay strong enough to stop it from happening.”
For many years I pushed these memories under the rug. I told myself to suck it up and move on.
I’m not doing that anymore.
I’m falling apart at the feet of Jesus.
I’m finally allowing Him to restore the broken places deep in my soul.
I have so many insecurities when it comes to friendship that stem back from childhood.
I hold on to the past and beat myself up, rehearsing all the things I could have done differently.
I’m not perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
But God has revealed that my past friendships were void of crucial things – forgiveness and grace.
I’ve hid my pain behind a mask of faith for too long.
My heart has become hard; bitterness looming.
But He tells me not to harden my heart.
He says See to it that no one misses the grace of God, and that no bitter root grows up. (Hebrews 12:15)
He says, Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)
The first step to letting go is to stop pretending the hurt never happened.
So I write about it. I choose to be transparent because words bring healing.
The world may view our broken stories and tell us it’s better to hide them. Spiritual whitespace brings us to a different peace where we are real. (Finding Spiritual Whitespace)
I remember the hurt so that I may heal completely.
Perfect peace from God isn’t found by forgetting. Peace is ours if we dare to remember our pain and our sorrow and experience our fears fully with Jesus. Shalom peace from God is putting back together.” (Finding Spiritual Whitespace)
I’m intentionally letting go so He can put me back together.
***Today I’m linking up for Three Word Wednesday with my friend and fellow writer Kristin. You can read more great posts here.
So good! I can totally relate to this. Adult friendships can be difficult to navigate especially after our experiences broaden and go down different paths. I think this also applies to relationships with siblings and siblings-in-law. Our pastor is doing a series on reconciliation right now that rings true with this as well. It’s like a peace balm on a sore heart!
Julia – that sounds like a great series!
Oh dear friend, I love your transparency in this post and the truth it contains. Our church is actually doing a small group study on the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and the book speaks to so much of you shared . . . “allowing Him to restore the broken places deep in my soul.” For many of us, including me, there is much beneath the surface that we need to allow God to redeem and transform. Walking this journey with you, friend. Love you. xoxo
Thank you for always encouraging and praying for me Beth! I can’t wait to squeeze your neck in August 🙂
I finished reading Donald Miller’s “Scary Close” yesterday and he talked about some of this same vulnerability and risk. He encouraged the adventure of intimacy over the search for applause behind a mask. There was some really powerful stuff in his book. And even though we already talked about your post here, I read it again today and was again encouraged. Life is hard sometimes. Relationships are hard and there’s nothing worse than a broken friendship that we can’t repair. I love your heart and your bravery to share so openly today. Keep it up. God is using you, sweet friend. xoxo
Thank you so much Kristin!
This is my first time visiting your page and I’m so glad I’m here. Your words are beautifully encouraging. I love your use of scripture throughout. Most of the time (if not all of the time!) we must “feel it to heal it.” Thanks for sharing your heart.
Laura – Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking time to visit my blog. I can’t wait to read more over at your place. 🙂