More than half of my book is written. I’ve typed more than 30,000 words. But after receiving some feedback this week, I’m plagued with doubt. Do I really have what it takes to finish this book? Will anyone actually want to read it? I have questioned my ability as a writer. Maybe I’m not that great. My journalism background is reflected in almost everything I write. I tend to stick to facts and leave out emotion. Seems like the more emotion portrayed through your writing the better. So am I going to bore my readers to death?
I’m paralyzed by self-doubt. I have four chapters left to write. It’s the best part of our story, yet I’m finding it’s the most difficult for me to put into words. I know God wants me to share our story. Why? To encourage others who are struggling with infertility, who are thinking about or who are in the process of adopting. To let that new mama know that when desperation consumes her, she’s not crazy. She’s not the only one. Most new mamas feel desperate – and those that say they don’t, are probably lying. 🙂
There are very personal and private parts of our story. There are things about our adoption journey that only Jackson should know, because ultimately it’s his story. There is a very fine line between what I can publish and what I must keep safe until it’s time to share those details with my son. Once he knows his entire story, he can choose what he wants to share – and he may choose not to share any of it.
Exposing yourself – especially your hurts – is frightening. I’ve considered throwing in the towel. Leaving the book unfinished. But God keeps nudging me – like I can’t rest until the last word is written. I can’t help but feel like He has a purpose for this book.
And I realize that the main purpose of this book is for God to receive the glory! I’m just the person He has chosen to share an even greater love story reflected through the adoption of our son – He has chosen me to share the gospel.
And as I type these words, He just whispered to my soul.
“Stop worrying about your writing ability. As long as I’m in control, My message will be clear. The words and the emotions will be exactly what they need to be for those who choose to read the book. You just have to be obedient.”
Tomorrow is my writing day. I’ll pray. I’ll type. I’ll let the words fall as they may. I’ll trust the One who has called me to this place. I will let His voice capture the hearts of my readers.