Trusting God with the Unanswered Questions

Confession time: I’ve been putting off writing this post ,but I’m going to blame my delay on having to take care of a sick baby for the past three days, which makes blogging impossible. 🙂

Since I last updated you all on my PCOS journey, I have been to the doctor, had blood work done, and received very surprising news.

A few weeks ago, my doctor ordered blood work to check all of my hormone levels. It had been several years since we had checked them and she wanted to see what was going on before deciding what was best in terms of tackling the PCOS.

I went in last Wednesday to get the test results and my doctor announced that my hormone levels were absolutely beautiful! They couldn’t have been better AND had I tried to get pregnant this month, it just might have happened. Excuse me???

“So what are you saying,” I asked her. “Do I not have PCOS?”

“According to your hormone levels I don’t think it’s possible that you have PCOS,” she said.

I wish I could say I jumped up and down in excitement and thanked God for healing me, but something in my gut was telling me that something wasn’t adding up. It’s not that I want to have PCOS, (I wouldn’t wish that on anyone) but when my doctor diagnosed me two years ago I had EVERY side effect of the syndrome and a sonogram that clearly showed tiny cysts all over my ovaries.

Many of my symptoms have gone away, but I’m still having issues. I felt like my doctor was jumping the gun a bit, taking back her PCOS diagnosis after only one round of blood work. My hormones are not consistent. If they were, I would have a period every single month – I do not!

My doctor seems to think I’m just one of those people who doesn’t have a regular period and may or may not ovulate. Here’s what I know: From the time I started my period until I got on birth control, I could tell you exactly when I would have my monthly visitor. I stopped taking birth control and my periods stopped all together. Now I have them every now and then. And from my experience I never ovulate. I peed on a lot of sticks and never got a smiley face. 🙂

I left to doctor’s office last Wednesday feeling more confused than before. I have spent the last two years believing I had an answer to why my body was totally screwed up. Now I’m not so sure. For all I know, I could skip my period next month or the month after that – or maybe I will have one every month for six months. You just never know with my body.

The one thing I do know is that I’m getting a second opinion. If for some reason I really do have PCOS, I need to know so that it can be treated. My counselor and several other people who have PCOS have encouraged me to see an endocrinologist.

That’s my next step – find a new doctor and get a second opinion.

I also have to trust God. You see, this news has thrown me for a loop. Two years ago, I was told I couldn’t have children without the help of fertility drugs (my doctor still thinks this since I don’t ovulate). God revealed His plan to build our family through adoption and I was and am thrilled with that plan.

I have another confession to make: I have NEVER wanted to be pregnant and still don’t.

I have always wanted to be a mother, but I have never wanted to be pregnant, or experience child birth, or breastfeed. The thought of all those things has terrified me since I was a young girl. Nothing about morning sickness and epidurals is appealing to me.

When John and I were trying to build our family the old-fashioned ways, it was before God put adoption on my heart. Each month I would pee on the stick and part of me would be praying for the plus sign – I was so desperate to be a mother – but a bigger part of me was praying it wouldn’t be positive, because deep down I didn’t want to be pregnant.

Being told I had PCOS meant it was unlikely that I would get pregnant without the help of fertility drugs. If I don’t have PCOS, if my hormones are absolutely beautiful some months, there’s a tiny chance I could conceive and there’s not a single thing about that possibility that I like.

I realize I’m not trusting God. I know I need to surrender this fear to Him.

But from the bottom of my heart I believe God created me to be a mother through adoption. I realize many people in the world can’t and don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to experience pregnancy and have a biological child, but I don’t.

I don’t need to have a biological child to be a mother – I am one. I love Jackson something fierce. I could never love him more, I could never love him less.

I don’t want to get pregnant. I don’t want to have a biological child. There will be people who don’t get this. They will probably call me selfish. These are the same people who constantly said “I just know you’ll get pregnant” throughout our adoption journey, it’s the man who asked why I didn’t want a real baby, it’s the people who wanted fertility treatments and not adoption fundraising.

But what I wanted was to be a mother – and I am.

And I’m working at trusting God, but I really don’t want to get pregnant.